I Didn't Mean to Go That Far
by bookdiva
Summary: Brennan desperately wants to feel something, and in her desperation, she goes too far. Booth, annoyed that she's not answering her phone, finds her. What does he find? Read to find out, review and it'll continue! Thank you!
1. Too Far

The knife fascinated me. The steel of the blade caught the light coming in from the window and it almost… glittered… in a surreal way. I knew it wasn't logical, but all I wanted was to feel something—that's it. So, for once, I didn't allow the screaming logic of my mind guide my decision; I allowed my emotional needs to drive me. I needed to know that I wasn't like Lauren. I could feel; I _would_ feel. So I dragged the blade across my skin, and I felt something.

I _finally_ felt something. I felt the pain. Then, finally, the logical side of my brain broke through the abnormal amount of emotion, and I knew that I was feeling too much. I knew that, at the rate the blood was flowing from my body, I would be dead soon, but it wouldn't be painless. I knew that was ok—it was exactly how I wanted it. I was feeling something—I was proving that I could feel something. Most of all though, I knew that I would die here alone—just like Lauren—and I knew that I didn't mean to go that far. I heard a pounding on my door. Through the pain, I wondered who would be coming to see me at this time of night. I wasn't the type of woman to invite any man to call on me at this time of night; I wasn't the kind of professional who would accept late night calls from co-workers; I wasn't the kind of person who had friends outside of my professional circle, besides Booth… and Booth hadn't been by for midnight Thai food in over a year… he was never around anymore. I knew he didn't love me anymore—he had told me so quite candidly—but I am not sure that he even likes me now. He hates me, and I deserve it. I deserve to die here alone.

But the bounding still doesn't stop. The rhythm of a fist hitting the door becomes the same as the pounding of the pain. I have to make it stop—it _has_ to stop.

"Come in," I heard a weak voice say. It didn't sound like me, but it must have been. There was no one else here. The pounding stops and for a moment, the pain recedes with it. It only takes another moment for it to come back again worse than before.

"Bones, why aren't you answering your phone?" It was Booth, and he sounded angry. In the back of my mind, I wondered why he was here. He unknowingly answers my thoughts. "We have a case and…" He trailed off when he saw me. His eyes fill with panic and fear. "Bones!" he yelled. "What happened? Are you okay? Was someone here? Who was it?"

The rapid fire of his questions confused her and caused her already fuzzy head to swim. The pain was reaching its peak and she knew that the end was near.

"I'm fine Booth," she whispered, though she knew it wasn't true. It was her job to make sure that she was always ok—no matter what. "No one was here, I just… I wanted to feel something. I wanted to prove that I'm not like her. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do this, I promise," I paused to get a breath. I could feel myself slipping out of consciousness, "I promise I didn't mean to go this far, but it all works out for the best." I took one more deep breath to assure him, a devout Catholic, that this hadn't been on purpose. "I didn't mean to go this far." Then everything went black.


	2. Too Late

I looked down at the clock on my dashboard. One-oh-five in the morning and was I in my warm bed? No. Someone just had to go and get themselves murdered and my partner wasn't answering her cell. It was going straight to voicemail and was most likely off.

I fought down a nagging, worried feeling in my guy. Bones never turned off her phone. What if…

_No, do not go there! You're done worrying about Bones. You're done worrying about women! _

Since Hannah left, I'd decided it just wasn't worth it anymore. Maybe Bones was right. Or maybe love just isn't out there for me.

As I walked into the lobby of her building, I couldn't help but think back to the last time I'd been there. The problem was, I couldn't _remember_ the last time.

I stopped in the middle of the empty lobby, and a knife-like pain ripped through me as I was overcome with the sense of something… wrong. There was a sign on the elevator stating it was out of order, so I took the stairs two, three at a time until I reached her door.

By the time I finally reached her door, adrenaline and worry were coursing through my body and I pounded on the door.

I thought I heard someone say, "Come in," but I wasn't sure. She had to be there. I tried the handle, and was both relieved and disturbed to find it unlocked. I didn't ponder on it long, though, because I was through the door and calling to Bones.

"Bones, why aren't you answering your phone?" I called. "We have a case and…" I rounded the corner and saw Bones, lying on the floor in a puddle of blood. "Bones!" I yelled. "What happened? Are you okay? Was someone here? Who was it?"

I'd kill them. Later. Now, Bones.

She looked up at me with unfocused eyes, her expression full of so many types of pain.

"I'm fine Booth," she whispered, but that wasn't true. It couldn't be true, because the love of my goddamn life was lying there, bleeding to death. "No one was here, I just… I wanted to feel something." _What?_ "I wanted to prove that I'm not like her. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do this, I promise," she paused and seemed to fight for breath. "I promise I didn't mean to go this far, but it all works out for the best." She took one final deep breath, whispered, "I didn't mean to go this far." And then she went completely still.


End file.
